Finding grace

Simple Definition of grace

: a way of moving that is smooth and attractive and that is not stiff or awkward
Grace is something I’ve been searching for most of my life. I think I’ve finally found her. She’s waiting with me now, quite close by. I can almost feel her breath on my neck. Her presence is soothing.
To tell you what it’s been like waiting for her, I would have to say that Grace is illusive. She doesn’t come even if you beckon her. She chooses her own friends and will not be swayed by my silly attempts to ingratiate myself with her.
Grace is here now with me. She joins me now in the minutes and hours after I meditate and exercise, when the dishes are done and I sit down to process the day. Knowing Grace allows me to move peacefully through the world.
For so long I felt like I was battling against myself, my past, my future, my hopes and dreams. All of it made me feel stuck. Inertia felt like my middle name.
Then I started reading about self-compassion and I noticed Grace had rustled the wind in the bushes. She wanted to come toward me but was afraid. So what changed her mind? Why is she with me now, and not before?

I think I’ve changed how I see myself in the world. What I want seems within reach. I feel ready for the future to uncurl at my feet. I feel like I am happy in my skin. I can laugh at myself. I can let things go that used to preoccupy and alarm me. When the day has drained all the energy from my body, I let myself be tired. I tell the kids to do the dishes and lie on the couch watching PBS.
And with Grace here, I know tomorrow will be different, perhaps not easier, but not the same. I can feel hope again. I will find energy. I will decide to let myself rest and I will be open to change. I will take classes that push me out of my comfort zone because I want to  learn. I want to change. I want to become more.
I will put my best foot forward knowing that questions I have will come to me if I can train myself to listen and not get caught up in the daily dryness of living that sometimes rubs my hands raw.
Is this Zen? I don’t really know. Are Zen and Grace two names for the same feeling of peacefulness, of knowing that everything is as it should be and that everything has a purpose? And if I stay with the moment, will I make it to the clearing? Oh, wait, I think I have just arrived.

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